“Oblate”
What I thought it meant: A muscle located in the torso.
After a day of digging wells in Sudan, Vivian’s oblate ached.
What it really means: A lay person dedicated to religious work or the religious life.
Despite her soreness, the oblate prayed to the Lord to give her strength to continue shoveling.
“Extreme Unction”
What I thought it meant: An urgent or desperate need or desire for something.
Because of a heart condition, his restrictive diet gave him an extreme unction for a cheeseburger.
What it really means: Also known as “Last Rites” or “Anointing of the Sick,” it is one of the seven Sacraments; it is administered to give spiritual (and even physical) strength to those who are in imminent danger of death.
After Father anointed him with his Extreme Unction, the dying man entreated his physicians for a final meal of a Big Mac and super-sized fries.
“Doxology”
What I thought it meant: The study of docks.
The helmsman barely passed his doxology lesson.
What it really means: A hymn or verse glorifying God.
After narrowly averting crashing into the pier, the helmsman exclaimed a doxology.
“Monstrance”
What I thought it meant: The humongous front doors of a cathedral.
At St. Mary’s, before the monstrance, I felt like an ant.
What it really means: It is the vessel, made of a precious metal, in which the consecrated Host is exposed for Adoration.
At St. Mary’s, before the monstrance, I felt like an ant.
“Postulant”
What I thought it meant: A psychoactive drug that induces relaxation or sleep.
After the vigorous evening jog, Jeffrey needed to take a postulant to get to bed.
What it really means: A person requesting or preparing for admission into a religious order.
The abbot reprimanded Jeffrey the postulant for dozing off during the Rosary.
“Camerlengo”
What I thought it meant: A provocative dance prevalent in Latin American countries.
The Diocese of Tulcán rebuked the parish who allowed the performance of a camerlengo during a quinceañera.
What it really means: Italian for “chamberlain,” he is a cardinal in charge of the papal treasury. After the death of John Paul II, the camerlengo Eduardo Martínez Somalo was technically the head of the church during the interim, and presided over the election of the new pope.
The cardinal from Ecuador danced with joy upon hearing he was being considered for the position of camerlengo.
“Biretta”
What I thought it meant: An Italian alcoholic beverage.
After a long day of sightseeing in Rome, Sister Agnes treated herself to an ice cold biretta.
What it really means: It’s a squared cap with three or four ridges or peaks worn by clergymen. This is most notably seen on Cardinals, whose birettas are made of red silk.
When Mother Superior walked in the room, Sister Agnes hid her Coors Light under Monsignor’s biretta.
“Sacrarium”
What I thought it meant: An aquarium in the sacristy.
Timmy the acolyte forgot to feed the goldfish in the sacrarium.
What it really means: It’s a special sink in the sacristy where the holy vessels used in Mass are cleaned. The sink drains into the ground beneath the Church instead of the sewers, so any particles remaining of the Eucharist go directly into the earth.
Father reproached, “Timmy! Don’t dispose of that dead goldfish down the sacrarium!”
